The Top Ten considerations for the 2011-12 Hyalite Ice climbing season
(in memory of Mark Givens, the original 'Mr. Top Ten' and former Bozeman Ice Fest competitor, who would have turned 40 this week)
10. Anyone that purchased a BD First Shot should consider exchanging it for a proper pair of panties. You will never become a hard man without failing and bailing like its your job. By the time you bail enough to consider doing anything hard enough to replace your panties with a pair of man-pants, you will have the ol’ v-thread thing pretty much figured out.
9. People that climb G1 more than once a season should consider broadening their horizons. Scenery and adventure count for the majority of the ice climbing experience, in my obviously humble opinion. G1 is the sorority girl of Hyalite- she’s fatter, uglier, and easier the longer winter lingers, and seen more sticks than a toothpick dispenser. Pretending you are the first is impossible, even if you close your eyes.
8. If you haven’t already, you should consider skinning into Flanders this year. Its a great place to hide from the rest of the detritus that the glossy guide book has baited into thinking Hyalite is a destination venue. Take a left at Cody, Greenies, or go visit your rich stepmom in New England and witness the Willoughby.
7. The mixed climbing aficionados of Hyalite should consider raising their standards.
6. The ice fisherman of Hyalite should consider increasing whatever beer-to-fish ratio they are currently employing. I am disappointed not to have recently witnessed any sunk trucks, burned down huts, or smashed TVs on the ice. Sack up and drink like an ice fisherman, or stay home and watch football with the rest of the amateurs.
5. The organizers of the Bozeman Ice Tower should consider....doing something else with 3 million dollars. I think there are a few thousand non-profits in the valley that could do something useful with that money (insert your own Greg Mortenson joke here, depending on what side of that particular issue you fall on. Even I am not going to touch that one). How about some bike lanes and community bicycles, in terms of 'big hairy audacious goals'? Speaking of big and hairless...
4. The Ice Festival organizers should consider a ground level venue for the ice festival this year, so that the invited geriatric athletes don’t have to climb any stairs. Its going to be like the alpinist Hall of Fame in there- I hope there is some wet towel snappin’ in the locker room. Speaking of venues...
3. The Ice Festival organizers should consider an Ice Festival venue that is a few degrees warmer than last year. That way we can all dry out our wet gear from the day on the sizzling hot floor. Good gracious that was miserable. I miss the days of the open keg of beer in the back where you couldn’t hear the speakers’ bro-brah through the bro-brah of your ten bro-brahs huddled around the keg with you. That’s what climbing is about...not what they did, but what YOU did and are going to do tomorrow, brah.
2. Christmas tree hunters up Hyalite should consider driving a more appropriate vehicle for their task. That is all.
1. The fundraisers for the newly formed community bicycle non-profit should consider a Hardmen of Hyalite calendar to generate some income (profit). What hard climbing lady wouldn’t want to see the buffest and dirtiest of the Bozeman low-baggers sporting nothing but a swami and gaiters? If I can ever get these panties off I will volunteer.
Just kiddin y'all, here's to a great ice season!